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rudbeckia voltairine

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(no subject) [Oct. 9th, 2007|01:24 am]
rudbeckia voltairine
exquisitesisters 146
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obsession [Apr. 14th, 2007|09:42 pm]
rudbeckia voltairine
i want to shine. really. i want to radiate, emanate the light i see without my eyes.. source light, planetshine.... my exterior is impermeable i guess. a parasol, a jumpsuit, a raincoat...
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24 [Apr. 10th, 2007|11:38 pm]
rudbeckia voltairine
[Current Location |shelter island]
[listening- |tom waits]

is divisible by so many numbers...



i'm not ready to be this old. i don't want to age anymore. i never felt anti-aging before.

now, getting older is terrifying.
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oh seven [Feb. 27th, 2007|11:42 pm]
rudbeckia voltairine
sincerely, yours truly, your friend
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(no subject) [Sep. 16th, 2005|02:13 am]
rudbeckia voltairine
we drive so far so fast
and your red hands and the red corners of your eyes
so apprehensive at first
the glances, the touching
ice and fire, the people who see us look away like they can be invisible that way
and they might as well be
we wrap each other up and tie ribbons on our ears and toes
we cant stand the harmony
so we make our rhythm so loud
a cloud of smoke, a ring of fire, a hailstorm, an earthquake
i dreamed of you the other night
your body was shrinking and your voice was high
you needed me then, more than you need me now
we throw the best parties
we can never stop dancing
take me out and make me yours
wear your gloves and cancel your appointments
i can be new for you
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(no subject) [Sep. 16th, 2005|02:10 am]
rudbeckia voltairine
[listening- |san fransisco mornings can be so hazy]

LJ Friends Meme by coolerq

• You must tell 7 people about this game.
h&m boy is the one that you love.
dave b. is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about alana.
jenny is the one who knows you very well.
krista is your lucky star.
i found a reason is the song that matches with h&m boy.
no rain is the song for dave b..
sf mornings is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and yawn yawn yawn is the song telling you how you feel about life
Take this quiz
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(no subject) [Sep. 16th, 2005|01:48 am]
rudbeckia voltairine
everything is falling down
the bells don't ring and no one notices
everything's broken and everything's silent
any sound you make is put into your file
they don't like noise around here

theres a killer somewhere on the loose
but the killer didnt mean to kill
he's just like we are
he's just like us

the daylight fills the air like gelatin
we spend the days inside with the curtains drawn
we move around like ballerinas in jewlery boxes
collecting dust as we spin


all the candles are burnt down to the quick
the fans spin and give the impression of life
the air stirs but the people are all dead
we're breathing and our hearts beat quietly
but there is nothing left

the pipes are clogged, the doors all creak
no one feeds the dogs anymore
if you look outside, i think the grass has even quit growing
and the stream is still and the clouds stay the same for days

the morning stars bring stories
our eyes are glazed over and the stars make it in
the stars
are the only things we have left
to bring back memories
to light the way
the stars are the only hope


else we suffocate
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see all the ways [Jun. 13th, 2005|12:43 am]
rudbeckia voltairine
so summer so sudden and this heat is knocking me around again
and i'm someone familiar, or at least i learned again i can pretend
theres no need to push and pull with the rhythm of my beating heart
theres no need to feel each star out there and each mind-body-soul pushing day by day
not all of them, for now, any way
either way i'm not the god i thought i was
i'm not your everything
i'm just one vessel for everything again, to look, to know what everythings can become

i heard a song and my heart began to radiate
i saw a stranger and for the day, it was my own stranger
no matter who's behind the wheel, cars bring comfort
as long as we're moving and the beat is rolling with the tired tires, over and over, again
slower around curves and i can think a little more closely, a little more slowly and close to the inside
until the straight open road and its all free form
that line is a circle, really
the tight lines draw forth and back to the loose lines
we make figure 8's and spin


pool party, part pool
summer's here
i go back to having wishes instead of dancing moonbeams down through my hands
wishes for the right kind of music to set fire to the night
the right kind of me, the spells to be cast over all of it
spells of clarity and reality

copper sparks my own electricity
my body bends and its quiet again
i see the life like it is
a day at the beach
sometimes the sun is too strong
sometimes its like medicine
sometimes the waves knock you down until theres sand and blood and body bends unknown
sometimes the waves are steady and hold the body up, pushing up to touch sky, pulling down to remember the ground

i heard it all before
me and myself are getting re-acquainted.

down by way of a new constitution

recklessness was restlessness and pieces are precious
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outline [Apr. 29th, 2005|10:19 pm]
rudbeckia voltairine
- pain is beauty
- beauty is truth
- hypocrisy is also in the eye of the beholder
- asylum on a hill
- a building with chakras, a bicycle on top, and an elevator that goes up and down on willpower alone
- greek statues
- eyes and infinity
- hospital colors, touchstones
- a room like the moon and the womb
- the serenity prayer and cleaning
- am i pregnant? am i being born? do i have a child? am i my mother? what do you think babies dream about?
- still birth and the grace of god
- lumbar puncture and i want my tattoo erased
- jesus and moses on the bus and pesto pizza
- my reflection and mother mary in the hallway to the psychiatrist's office
- an emblem that changed
- the rolling bed i would prefer
- living every movie i remember
- apple and eve
- 12 hours, 12 steps, 12 apostles
- fat buddha, skinny buddha, bodhisattvas
- flowers, to remind me of the beauty you see in the world through me
- dream burst balloons
- to be the air up there
- locked out of my future house
- house boats
- a gathering of crows
- a soul to mate with
- chinese staircase
- 'thats my problem, i'm always in the now' and 'i'm always either here or there'
- to be warm, we dont *need* that
- kissing in the rain and car lights
- dragged away from death and looking through another's looking glass
- throwing clothes and an artful street
- bleeding cheeks and you can't hurt me, we can't hurt each other
- dragged through the rainy street but i can't see
- remember this, remember this wall and this car and this feeling
- did i ever come down after any drug i ever did?
- am i stuck in the past or in my own head?
- the world went mad and i felt the souls escaping
- jumping to jump, to float/fly/reel and knowing there was no turning back


outline to my memories.
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sorry about no take backs [Apr. 12th, 2005|03:40 pm]
rudbeckia voltairine
i guess that was kind of an asshole thing to say, my last entry. i got something out of all your journals. i just tended to skip over most of them a lot of the time. since i dont want to spend my life sitting at a computer, i had to cut journals. yeah. also. i think i had a manic episode or something in san francisco. i jumped from something, like 15 feet or so into someone's backyard. ran around dodging death, stripped naked in the night, and i got scared to die alone. i've been in my parents house now, reworking my ideas about motherhood and feminism and family and confidence. i've been seeing a lot of doctors. psychiatrists, accupuncturist, psychologist. in short, i learned to ask for help. now im trying to help myself. so no offense to all you who i left behind. i just can't sit at a computer for as long as i could before. love for you <3
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